What's Up With Me?

The mess that will only get better

Imagine you’re swimming, out in the ocean, but the crystal blue water is instead black, and then the sky turns black. You can just about make out the sun but that too is slowly fading.

As you start to panic you realise that your arms are becoming heavier and it’s taking every ounce of strength that you can muster just to keep your head above the water. Desperately, you start to look around for a life preserver or anything to lean on but there is nothing to be found. Anywhere.

You can see the beach in the distance but the more you struggle, the more the campfires on the beach retreat into darkness and everything seems lost. 

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Assorted Garbage · Video Games

MY E3 Predictions That Will Definitely Happen

I am a serious games journalist doing serious games journalism, and as such, it is my duty, nay, my honour! To present to you a list of things I think will happen at a press conference in LA, a press conference designed for marketing employees and Executives to show off their latest advertising deals and maybe a bit of a game. I will do my best to maintain my journalistic integrity throughout these trying times and remember that we are here for the video games, and the cool refreshing taste of Mountain Dew.

These are rough guestimates and may not necessarily come true but, with the exception of last year, E3 has become relatively formulaic. So through the use of science, algebra, and magic, I have made some predictions with a 97% chance of being right.

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Assorted Political Garbage · Politics No One Cares About

Top 5 Mandela Twitter Tributes

(This Article is pure comedy and anyone who takes it seriously is as big an idiot as the guy who wrote it.)

Last night saw the passing of one of the most influential men who ever lived and whose work for the general progress of humanity during apartheid and beyond will easily put him in a top position on the all-time-best-human scoreboard. I’m talking of course about Nelson Mandela and not MLK, as much as Paris Hilton ‘may or may not’ have you believe. Anyway, regardless of whether the vapid heiress ever tweeted such words, countless blogs jumped on her case which got me thinking ‘Hey! I’m a blog!’ So here you are, the five best ‘REAL’ Mandela tributes that twitter had to offer, it’s a veritable banquet of A-listers!

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Opinion · Politics No One Cares About

British Media and Equality: Equal but Separate

As it stands these are just a few of tomorrow’s major front pages, there’s something of a theme developing here isn’t there? They all seem to focusing around the recent ‘coming out’ of athlete Tom Daley to which the response has been incredibly positive and I’m sure most people would consider a good thing, and it is.

The problem though, is that ‘coming out’ being presented as headline news automatically implies there are distinctions to be made between LGBTQIA and cisgender/sexual people.

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Editorials · Video Games

Offensively Inoffensive: White Male Skinheads

In recent years, video game protagonists have taken on a rather homogenized appearance but none is more prevalent in big name franchises than the badass white guy with a skinhead including, but not limited to, Desmond Miles (Aassassin’s Creed), Star Killer (The Force Unleashed), Default Commander Shepard (Mass Effect) and  Baldur (Too Human), pretty cool, huh?

Okay maybe not the last one, though actually, I don’t think I find any of them particularly cool. I’m far from the first ‘journalist’ to notice this trend but I think there’s something a bit more diabolical and alienating to it than just ‘don’t they look a bit samey?’

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Editorials · Video Games

A Tutorial for Tutorials

 

Tutorials, they’re great! ‘Hey I got a new game and I have no idea how to play it!’ Fear not! The game will teach you how to play! Tutorials are a handy feature which stops less experienced players from (pre-emptively) hurling those expensive controllers at even more expensive TV screens, walls, and that photo frame I smashed that one time but was a complete accident.

The best games teach the player new things without them even realising it, a perfect example of this would be Portal and how it gradually introduces new elements into its myriad of puzzles which simultaneously keeps the gameplay fresh and ramps up the difficulty. However, for every good tutorial some of them just plain fucking suck.

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